Where did it all begin...
As a child growing up, I would feel the world and other people's energy at such a deep level, so much that, I wanted to hide and runaway from my overwhelming emotions. I was very intuitive and had the tendency to reflect deeply and be introspective from an early age. I would try to avoid conflict and was called 'too shy' or 'too sensitive' which really use to bother me as I felt that there was something wrong with me. Deep down I knew I couldn't change who I was. I had a lot to say to the world, but didn't know how to speak up or stand up for myself. Therefore I was a high target for being bullied.
I was a highly sensitive person. But obviously didn't know it at the time. What does this mean? As a HSP the nervous system is more highly sensitive than that of most people in that you process sensory data at a higher and deeper level. So this makes you 'feel' more, notice more, be easily affected by other people's moods, sensitive to the emotions of those around you, become super overwhelmed by being around too many people for long periods of time and therefore need regular quiet time and extra rest.
So I was a high target and very vulnerable to low self-esteem even though I may have not shown it. I discovered food as my outlet. My relationship to food was based on trying to deal with my emotions not health. Being a dancer at the time, the pressure of looking a certain way certainly didn't help but I was able to express myself through dance which I loved. By the age of 14yrs of age, I developed an eating disorder and stopped menstruating. My mix feelings to life questioned who I was and where I was. I would spontaniously ask strangers older than me 'what the meaning of life meant to them.' Hoping I would get satisfying answers the most common was,"i'm still trying to figure that out myself dear." Or just a complete blank look.
Many of my friends enjoyed hanging around me because I was ‘fun’ and as a result, they thought I was the girl who had ‘everything’ and was 'put together.’ But on the inside it was quite the contrary. I secretly was a binge eater, struggled with body image issues, low self-esteem, no self-love and felt 'different' to most my friends and family.
I left home at the age of twenty one to follow my restless and freedom-loving soul and maybe do something with my dancing career. I figured by running to another country 'it would all be ok' and maybe figure life out.
But I was soon to discover that "wherever I went, there I was." Along with all the feelings and emotions I was trying to runaway from.
Fast forward. I landed in Los Angeles and the first few months I was in a car accident. I had severe whip lash and wasn't able to get back onto the dance floor anytime soon. Throw dancing career out the window, my life was to steer me in another direction.
I would find myself getting involved in a co-dependant, manipulative, possesive, abusive relationship along with a Jackyll & Hide personality. By now my self-esteem was extremely low and the cycle of binge eating got worse. I was a sugar-addict and felt like I was on crack. If I didn't get my fix I would flip out. I would go from one shop to the next grabbing my favourite processed foods to bring home and eat until I felt sick and numb.
My health was declining and so was my passion for life. I was diagnosed with glandular fever, candida, depression and adrenal burnout. I lost all control and felt like I was severely blocked and stuck, so much that I couldn't break free from my unhealthy relationship. Food had become my escape. In the mornings I would stand infront of the freezer and eat icecream from the tub for breakfast. I always knew if I woke up and ate badly that the day would continue that way. The day would then be followed by cookies and any other processed junk foods I could get my hands on. When the eating was done, the self-abuse would begin, 2 hours of strenuous exercise along with self-berating and self hatred.
Fast forward again. Feeling so confused, sick, stuck and helpless, I was to become engaged to the same man. A month before my wedding, it was as if I had been out of my body for so many years and finally jumped backed in. I knew If I would marry this man, I wouldn't know how long I would last. Everything was coming together, just like a drama/horror movie, I was to put the story together. I had discovered he was leading a double life. He had kept a severe health problem from me as well as seeing other women the entire 5 yrs we were together. The man that I was with wasn't really 'real' it was all a facade. It got to the point where I was fearful of him and for my life and knew the only way to leave him was the extreme and run away. And so one night, I did.
How was I suppose to trust again? Surely it had to get better...who am I anyway?
I was in my mid 20's and had an identity crisis. I figured moving to New York and starting fresh would do the trick...well, not quite...I was running away from my emotions again, hoping they would vanish into the NY pollution. I continued to binge eat and drink, and date the wrong men. Furthermore, by this point I was addicted to colonics as I figured I could binge eat prior to a session to then have it all flushed out of my body. I would then go to work (at the time a partime bartender) with a flat stomach and do tequila shots with the customers.
A couple of years later my wake up call was to happen. After a night on the booze, I was to finish my business over the toilet bowl to then find myself staring into the mirror (and not a pretty sight). I looked into my eyes and for the very first time I felt like my soul was looking back at me. I started to bawl. I heard this loud but calming voice inside of me say "I love you, why are you doing this to yourself?" I remember weeping and silently replied "I can no longer live like this, I don't want to hurt myself anymore." I felt this inner peace run through me, as if I lifted up off the floor and back down again. It was almost instant, my crying stopped...an incredible feeling I can't describe. I went to bed and the next morning when I awoke, I knew deep within my heart I was ready for change.
Once I started taking responsiblity for my health and life the healing process began. I became aware that I had a choice to change my life if I truly wanted to.
With much work, I began to get to know and understand the 'real' me. By incorporating Mind/Body/Spirit this helped me move forwards and heal from the past. I was becoming free, lighter and at peace with myself. I finally was able to liberate myself from the emotions and begin to create the life I truly wanted. I no longer allowed food or unhealthy relationships control me.
So after many spiritual awakenings, good dose of therapy, amazing spiritual mentors along the way and throw in professional training into the mix, here I am.